“Hey honey, let me show you how much I love you by placing this Deadly Nightshade behind your ear.”
That was the message when my better-half made a romantic gesture by putting what he thought was a lilac in my hair. Only the lilac turned out to be a poisonous weed named Atropa Belladonna from the Greek derivative meaning, “to cut the thread of life.”
It wasn’t really his fault.
The weed, also known as “witches berry,” is intermingled with the lilac bushes in our front yard.
I’m certain he wasn’t trying to poison me – on purpose.
Maybe the motivator was that Halloween sign that hangs in the garage year-round that says, “The witch is in.”
For someone who prides them self on cutting and managing a beautiful meticulous lawn, he is somewhat lacking in knowledge about garden flowers.
Every year, my clematis are cut down just at the peak of Spring as their silky leaves are starting to bloom.
When I ask, “Don’t you know what a clematis is?”
I get the same joking response every time.
“I thought I got rid of that in college.”
However, this year, he went a bit too far by over-zealously trimming our lilac bushes just prior to their bloom, which means no perfectly pale purple flowers that smell like heaven.
So how do I solve this gardening dilemma?
There is no way in hell he will ever sign up for a master gardener class or watch past episodes of The Victory Garden on PBS.
Clearly, it’s not just my man who watches mafia movies over and over again just for sh*ts and giggles.
When women want a pick-me-up, we turn to romantic comedies or musicals.
Not the male species.
Something needs to get whacked in order to get the old adrenaline going.
I’d prefer it not be my precious flowers.
Apparently, there was a character named Gardner Shaw who was the boyfriend and later husband of Francesca Corleone in Mario Puzo’s The Godfather II, directed by Francis Ford Coppola. Of course, Gardner Shaw’s scene was deleted from the movie.
If only he’d been a professional gardener…maybe I’d have my lilacs today.
While The Sopranos did “manage” a lawn care company during one of their seasons, the episodes never mentioned one flower.
What a pity.
Surely David Chase, the brilliant creator of The Sopranos is looking for a new project, as I read he was suffering from writer’s block.
Mr. Chase and Mr. Coppola, I’m gonna make you an offer you can’t refuse…
“The Godfather Gardener.”
Gardening is full of mafia symbolism.
What about those ant mafia’s that invade the garden?
There’s plenty of gang warfare with the aphids and their honeydew vs. the ants that eat the honeydew and bite the wings right off those poor little guys.
Sounds like a botanical Paulie Walnuts to me.
What better location for a sit down than the local gardening club meeting.
Need to collect a payment? How about some freshly harvested fruits and veggies.
And those cute little garden fairies? They would give new, respectful meaning to the term, Goomah.
What would a mafia movie be like without digging up some dirt? There are plenty of shovels, spades and hoes in the field of gardening.
Whacking? Can you say, “Weed Whacker?”
There’s even poison. Unless you go organic and just use your bare hands.
I’d say the composition of the flower arrangements at all those funerals for “members of the family” are just as important as the big manila envelopes loaded with green bills that are stuffed in lapel pockets as a token of sympathy.
There may be hope yet.
The Godfather series director, Francis Ford Coppola has a Food and Wine gift basket offered on FTD – FLOWERS, Plants and Gifts.
And, David Chase does have a house in France. Can you say, “Mobs of the Monet Garden?”
In the words of Clematis (Clemenza) to Rosebud (Rocco), “Leave the lilacs…take the cannoli.”