Everytime I look at a blank wall, I see a gigantic shadowy “5-0” staring back at me.
Really, what’s the big deal about turning 50? Clifford the Big Red Dog, Amelia Bedelia and Denny’s are all blowing out 50 big ones this year.
I was just getting used to the idea, and then I got a piece of official mail from Washington, D.C. that read, “DO NOT Bend.”
Nothing says, “Happy Birthday Blue Hair, welcome to the club!” more effectively than receiving an official AARP membership card in the mail.
Holy sh*t. Is it really possible to suddenly transition from Baby Center Updates to AARP Bulletin Updates in the same decade? It’s very surreal.
According to the letter from the AARP Director of Membership, for only $16 a year, I get a plethora of benefits including lots of discounts, a fancy magazine about old famous farts as well as representation in Washington and all 50 states fighting for my new best interests – a.k.a. old guys in red, white and blue suspenders who buy congress people a discounted steak, baked potato and a couple of rounds of bourbon to keep social security and medicare afloat.
And the best part, my spouse gets a free membership to all the fun!
Which would be totally awesome if he were an elderly like myself only he’s a self-professed “young buck” in his forties.
So I broke the news to him.
Hey honey, guess what – you are now an honorary member of AARP, just like me!
I don’t want to be an AARP member. Isn’t that kind of like saying, “Congratulations, you’re now King of the Dip Sh*ts. No one wants to be King of the Dip Sh*ts.”
O.K., so he’s not that excited now, but come time for that 49% discount on popcorn and soda at the movies, he’ll be purring praises for his cougar with benefits.
It’s not all pills and prunes. If I buy three concert tickets, I get the fourth free!
And no, Lawrence Welk is not coming to town.
My daughter thinks the card is a pass to go into a retirement home.
No honey, it means we get discounts – at places like Disneyland!
I didn’t tell her it’s more like discounts for mobility devices, cat food and orthopedic shoes.
And the best part, I get a free travel case just for joining.
Only the travel case isn’t even big enough to hold a Depends or my rather large supply of anti-wrinkle creams.
Clifford should be happy, there is a discount for dog bones.
And for me, “the power to make it better” is a free donut from Dunkin Donuts with the purchase of a large cup of coffee.
A perfect prelude for my AARP freebie – fast acting Level Life glucose gel.