It’s Confirmed, I’m A Church Lady

Photo credit:

Photo credit:

Get out the cross cake, pass the nut mix and serve-up some sherbet punch because we’re having a confirmation party on my blog.

As mentioned in my recent post, The Buttery Burger Blessing I’ve been attending a Discovery Class at a local church.

I discovered…that religion is kind of like golf.  Despite the fancy club houses and lush green courses, just because someone knows how to play, it doesn’t necessarily mean that they are good.  Or, just because they carry a rule book in their bag, it doesn’t mean they follow all the rules.

I discovered… how the rock bands Better Than Ezra, Stryper and Saving Abel got their names.

I discovered…that even after the dozens of times I’ve recited The Apostles’ Creed, I always pronounce “Pontius Pilate” as “Pontius Pirates.”

I discovered…that I like the fact that my church is germ-conscious and serves communal wine in individual plastic cups.

80's Hair Band Stryper - True Story, a friend got hit in the head with a mini-Bible as Stryper threw them into the audience in lieu of guitar picks.

80’s Hair Band Stryper – True Story, a friend got hit in the head with a mini-Bible as Stryper threw them into the audience in lieu of guitar picks.

I discovered…that while the wine may be Mogen David, it’s enough of a buzz to get my sore butt through those last 15 minutes of sitting on the hard wooden pews.

I discovered…that just when I thought I didn’t fit in, I found someone to giggle with in class when the Pastor said, “We are all tools.”

I discovered…that the lone guy in the front row at the Contemporary Service with the Jesus-style haircut, wearing the Corinthians t-shirt and raising his hands in the air is simply a Super Fan.

I discovered…that I should have double-checked to make sure my sweater was securely buttoned before getting my new member photo taken for display on the church bulletin board to avoid being given the Real Housewives of Orange County-coined nickname, “Jesus Jugs.”

I discovered…that despite my husband’s concerns that I was “Speed Dating God,” I knew immediately that this church is where I belong.

So because of, or despite my discoveries, the church was kind enough to receive me.

There was no big fluffy white satin dress, white gloves or veil.  Just a sensible Talbot’s shirt and slacks – with Jesus Jugs concealed – and a sincere confession of faith.

And, the benefit of being able to answer a few more religious questions like:

“Hey mom, I need some help setting up my manger scene.  There’s a lot of guys here.  Which one’s the dad?”



18 thoughts on “It’s Confirmed, I’m A Church Lady

  1. I loved this post. When I get the giggles in church – it will be your fault – i will be thinking of the many little gems here. Excellent! In the words of the great George Michael….ya gotta have faith.

  2. OH mah….goodness. Jesus Jugs? You are henceforth known as JJ to me.

    So funny.

    See? Church can be funny and no doubt will provide you with endlesssss blogging material! NO go forth and be funny in the name of the Lord!!!

  3. JJ, I am so jealous you were christened with such a great name. Obviously, a great fit of a church. That’s how we found ours too. I picked the one with the smallest worst tasting donuts. No worries for me on Sundays with heartburn! So great you are such a tool.

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