Mrs. Dude, You’re Hired!

Just when I’ve gotten used to labeling myself a housewife, I’m attempting to re-enter the workforce.  I know, it’s great timing.  Nothing like pounding the pavement in a downward economy when I haven’t done anything but child rear’in and house clean’in for the past seven years.  I’m picturing myself crammed into my dusty Casual Corner black suit, carrying my portfolio from the early 90’s filled with print company newsletter articles, only to discover that I am old enough to be the mother of my potential boss – and it is scaring the living hell out of me.

Do I just throw in the towel and become a Wal-Mart greeter?  Hell no!  “I used to be somebody, I coulda been a contender!”  Do you think employers will recognize that line from On The Waterfront?   Not unless they are an old fart like me.

So I did a little research to ease my re-entry into the workforce and came up with a draft of a modern-day, killer cover letter:

Dear Dude or Dudette: [According to MTV, no one uses first names anymore]

I’m going to cut to the chase.  I haven’t worked in seven years but I’m not a total dumbass.  [Here’s my line] “I used to be somebody.  I coulda been a contender”, that is before I got knocked up and decided to check out of the working world for a while.

You are going to freak out when you read about my mad employment skills.  I’ve just been busy chill’in with my shorty and keeping my crib clean.  Mr. Dude thinks it would be so MONEY if I could add some coin to the family income.  And quite frankly, I’ve got a lot of time on my hands while shorty is at school.

I’m a quick learner.  I can even type with all ten fingers, not just my thumbs.  I actually like to answer the phone.  I am experienced.  I was around before Google was invented.  I know how to actually make a pot of coffee and will not be leaving my desk every hour for a Starbuck’s run.  My generation actually understands what good customer service really means.  We smile and say, “Hello, how are you today?” as opposed to greeting customers with a blank stare. I know how to use entire words and not just initials.  I’m great at social networking.  Just ask my family how often I’m on Facebook, Twitter or writing for my Blog.  I believe the quote around the house is, “Get off ‘The Book’ and feed me!”

Regarding references, the bad news is that I am a distant memory to my previous employers.  The good news is that my daughter’s school will vouch that I’ve passed a criminal background check, the bag boy at the grocery store loves me (for reasons other than I always give him a dollar) and my mom says I’m smarter than she is.

Dude, thanks for taking time out of texting to read my cover letter.  I’m looking forward to hearing from you.  By the way, I require more than 24 hours notice for an interview so I can get my roots touched up, shop for an age appropriate interviewing outfit and line up child care.

It’s been real,

Mrs. Dude

Any tricks to re-entering the job market or re-inventing yourself?  Do tell, I need all the help I can get.

 Related Stuff You May Have Missed:

If June Cleaver Was A Web Geek…

What In The Hell Do You Do All Day?

A Housewife Goes To Washington


14 thoughts on “Mrs. Dude, You’re Hired!

  1. Cover letter? Get current – maybe you should tweet your skillz (yep correct spelling is no longer a concern) 140 characters at a time…

  2. Love your letter…kept me reading all the way through to the end. If I were a boss I’d hire you. Unfortunately I’m an empty nester-having been a stay-at-home mom myself these last 25 years.

    One of my many part-time jobs when my daughter was in middle school was at a cute cafe called “Sweet Additions.” I worked there a couple of years before the “politics” got a little too heavy. Not like corporate politics, but no place is ever free of politics. Anyhoo, aside from enjoying the customers and some of the other employees, I learned to make lattes, mochas, cappucinos and the like. Loved it! I was one of the cafe’s best at doing them quickly and well.

    Good luck in finding your niche. My advice? Eye the nooks and crannies of your local community…there might be a “Sweet Additions” just waiting for the likes of you.

    lots of hugs…hugmamma. 😉

  3. I was with you clear up until the letter. Sympathizing, nodding my head with understanding, then the letter….I about peed my pants!!! ha..ha..ha.. You sounded like my seventeen year old son. Wow you have that down-pat. I’m glad you’re managing to keep your sense of humor though. I’d be terrified too, and am anytime I think about having to get back out there and reinvent myself now at the age of 49…well, in another month anyway. Go get em Sister!

  4. This was hilarious. I just snorted my Diet Coke out my nose.

    LIne of the Day: “I can even type with all ten fingers, not just my thumbs.”

    But if you can still manage to fit into a suit you wore in the nineties, I’m not gonna find you nearly as likable.

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