Just when I’ve gotten used to labeling myself a housewife, I’m attempting to re-enter the workforce. I know, it’s great timing. Nothing like pounding the pavement in a downward economy when I haven’t done anything but child rear’in and house clean’in for the past seven years. I’m picturing myself crammed into my dusty Casual Corner black suit, carrying my portfolio from the early 90’s filled with print company newsletter articles, only to discover that I am old enough to be the mother of my potential boss – and it is scaring the living hell out of me.
Do I just throw in the towel and become a Wal-Mart greeter? Hell no! “I used to be somebody, I coulda been a contender!” Do you think employers will recognize that line from On The Waterfront? Not unless they are an old fart like me.
So I did a little research to ease my re-entry into the workforce and came up with a draft of a modern-day, killer cover letter:
Dear Dude or Dudette: [According to MTV, no one uses first names anymore]
I’m going to cut to the chase. I haven’t worked in seven years but I’m not a total dumbass. [Here’s my line] “I used to be somebody. I coulda been a contender”, that is before I got knocked up and decided to check out of the working world for a while.
You are going to freak out when you read about my mad employment skills. I’ve just been busy chill’in with my shorty and keeping my crib clean. Mr. Dude thinks it would be so MONEY if I could add some coin to the family income. And quite frankly, I’ve got a lot of time on my hands while shorty is at school.
I’m a quick learner. I can even type with all ten fingers, not just my thumbs. I actually like to answer the phone. I am experienced. I was around before Google was invented. I know how to actually make a pot of coffee and will not be leaving my desk every hour for a Starbuck’s run. My generation actually understands what good customer service really means. We smile and say, “Hello, how are you today?” as opposed to greeting customers with a blank stare. I know how to use entire words and not just initials. I’m great at social networking. Just ask my family how often I’m on Facebook, Twitter or writing for my Blog. I believe the quote around the house is, “Get off ‘The Book’ and feed me!”
Regarding references, the bad news is that I am a distant memory to my previous employers. The good news is that my daughter’s school will vouch that I’ve passed a criminal background check, the bag boy at the grocery store loves me (for reasons other than I always give him a dollar) and my mom says I’m smarter than she is.
Dude, thanks for taking time out of texting to read my cover letter. I’m looking forward to hearing from you. By the way, I require more than 24 hours notice for an interview so I can get my roots touched up, shop for an age appropriate interviewing outfit and line up child care.
It’s been real,
Any tricks to re-entering the job market or re-inventing yourself? Do tell, I need all the help I can get.
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