It’s that time of the year again when honey-do lists across the country are cast aside for entire days spent in arm chairs yelling at television sets, eating junk food and guzzling beer. Yes, football season is upon us. Many women, commonly referred to as “football widows” take on the role of single parent and sole house taker until post game on Super Bowl Sunday. If you are not a sports chick, you can either be miserable, or have an affair. Not, the sneak-around town in dark glasses, cause a divorce kind of affair. An affair with your spouse’s alter ego, Football Spouse.
That’s right, if you can’t beat them, join them. Most men are in their glory during football season – coaching fantasy football teams, following the every move of their alma mater or hometown team and reliving old glory days of high school football gone by. Nothing makes them happier than the start of a new season filled with hopes and dreams of a national championship, or at least going .5oo on the season. And, a happy Football Spouse, usually makes for a happier, peaceful house.
Here are a few tips for carrying on an affair with your Football Spouse:
- Stock his man cave with plenty of toilet paper and Sports Illustrated magazines. If you really want even more free time for yourself, add a few men’s magazines to the pile. It should keep him occupied through at least half-time. It also buys you some time for watching new episodes of Saturday Night Live or catching up on those shows you recorded during the week.
- Offer to go shopping during ESPN College Football Saturday. He’ll be so happy to have the house to himself that he won’t care how many Fall bargains you find.
- Brainwash the kids with a love of your favorite teams. It’s hard for dad’s to refuse an offer by their little ones to sit down and watch the big game with them. Especially when the kids are dressed in those cute little cheerleader outfits or sporting a jersey featuring Football Spouse’s favorite player. If successfully executed, you can have alone time or an outing with your gal pals (see #2).
- Make him some spicy beef. Guaranteed to make him appreciate and crave your cooking on a weekly basis. You’ll be in heaven when there are no complaints at dinner. For some reason, Football Spouses can’t get enough of the stuff. However, you may want to save a mental image of ESPN College Football announcers, Chris Fowler and Kirk Herbstreit for later in the evening as the side effects of a case of Coors Light and spicy beef take over Football Spouse’s digestive tract. Don’t feel bad, he’ll probably have his beer goggles on and will think he’s sleeping with Erin Andrews any way.
- Rediscover Tailgating. Last football season, we declared ourselves, “Born Again Tailgaters“. What’s not to love about loading up the car with food and booze and hitting the open road? It’s the only six months out of the year that eating in the car is actually encouraged.
If you still can’t tolerate Football Spouse, you may need to actually have the sneaking around town in dark glasses kind of affair. Just make sure your suitor has theater tickets!