“Friends With Benefits” is the hot new summer film starring Justin Timberlake and Mila Kunis. Rumor has it that Ms. Kunis agreed to be nude in the film, but didn’t want her buns on camera. She even got to help choose her “derriere double.” I know it’s shocking after all the complaining I’ve done about my ass in this blog, but mine would not quite have made the cut. Even if it was a perfect match, I don’t think I would have the nerve to even try out for the part.
I can only imagine the process for choosing just the right ass to match her body type. Don’t actors usually express initial interest in a part by submitting a head shot to the casting director? How would you like to drop trou in the passport booth at FedEx/Kinko’s in a rush to get the perfect ass shot off to your agent? I think I’d just be hopping on the copier bare-assed and discretely faxing it to his or her desk. Who knew there would actually be a market for the greatest office prank of all-time?
Perhaps, they had an ass rating system based on the following criteria:
Judges, please circle one of the following in each category:
Ass Density: Boney; Jiggler; Buns of Steele
Shape: Round – looks like they workout; Flat – Fit, but lacks shape due to genetics; Stretched – Lucky she got off the couch to make the audition
Blemishes: None; Dry Skin Bumps; Pimple or Two; Boil City
Body Art: None; Small Tatoo Easily Camouflaged with Makeup; Tramp Stamp so big it would have to be listed in the credits
I always get a little nervous when I’m bent over and people recognize me from behind. Sure, I know it happens to J. Lo and Kim Kardashian all the time. However, when it’s in the school library or at the grocery store, I don’t know whether to be proud or run straight for the treadmill.
I’d like to think that ultimately, I wouldn’t get the “derriere double” role because we don’t have the same skin tone, even though a little QT might just do the trick. My ass may have been too much for Justin to handle anyway. He’s used to those boney Hollywood broads.
So long to my ass-pirations of being a “derriere double.”