The Wind Beneath My Wingmate

The Wingman – The Pilot’s trusty sidekick and “partner in crime.” It is his sole duty to assist the Pilot in ANY way possible to accomplish the mission. The Wingman strictly adheres to The Laws in order to increase the Pilot’s chances of a successful mission. Also, the Wingman can sometimes overcome the initial fire and maneuver away to safety and a possible successful mission.

Batman and Robin, Maverick and Iceman, Thelma and Louise, and Lucy and Ethel.  All famous Wingman duos.  Now, there is another duo to add to the list.  My mother and I.  It seems that even Dr. Oz is hopping on the Weight Watchers bandwagon.  He  is dedicating a series of shows focusing on our beloved weight loss program. 

Who needs a T.V. guide when you have your mother to call you every hour to tell you what is currently on television.  The bat phone rang the other day and she eagerly declared me her official Wingmate in what Dr. Oz is referring to as the Empty Nest Syndrome Diet.  Apparently, empty nesters are plumping up at the speed of light when they find themselves with nothing to do but hit the daily early bird specials.  According to Dr. Oz, going through Weight Watchers with a Wingmate, or someone just like you, makes it easier to stay on the weight loss program.  So my role has changed from intervention victim (beloved Fat Ass) to the Maverick to my mother’s Iceman or Ice”mom”.

The Target for this Wingmate and her Pilot is of course dropping some major tonnage without running into too many Grenades, we’ll call them spicy beef binges.  A good Wingmate would yell, “Get your head out of the frigging bag of Lays potato chips.  Someone is coming.”  Or at least tell you to hide in the pantry and eat a bag of Pop Chips if you want to gorge (only 2 points a serving).  Warning:  This tactic will not work with the new eco-friendly bags of Sun Chips if you expect to binge incognito.  A good Wingmate also tells you, “I can really tell you’ve lost weight when you sit down.”  Translated, “Hey Maverick, you’re really whittling that gunt down.  It’s not even with your boobs anymore!” 

A Chummer is a good friend who will send signals to the Wingmate and Pilot.  For instance, as I did some buzzed Facebooking during the Wisconsin tailgate, my girlfriend sent me an email cautioning me to, “stay away from the curds” and listed the Weight Watchers Points value.  A timely message well received as I stopped myself from using my Points Tracker booklet as kindling for the Weber grill.

An important Wingman Law is “Know your Wingman.  Chemistry is essential.”  As we sat in our meeting today, we were instructed to discuss our barriers for weight loss for two minutes with the rest of the squadron.  Well, the white-haired Wingmates were the only two in the room who didn’t pay any attention to the directive from the leader.  As the whole room buzzed, we sat clueless and then got a wild case of the giggles as my stomach grumbled loudly caused by the liquid breakfast strategy on the morning of a weigh-in.  My Wingmate commented, “I think we are a couple of losers, but not the right kind.”

We’re actually progressing slowly, but nicely with our weight loss goals and have lost a total of 30 pounds between us.  However, we did take a furlough last week because of too many birthday and tailgating celebrations.  We used our weekend pass and decided to weigh my mother’s Kathy VanZeeland purse instead.  The purse weighed in at a whopping 4.8 pounds.  She’d be 5 pounds lighter if she switched to a clutch which will only happen if it is a value of the day on QVC. 

As we approached the Lincoln, a.k.a. the Wingcar, my mother set off the alarm when unlocking the door.  The screaming of the horn nearly gave a couple of Silver Foxes (old bird Wingmates) heart failure in the parking lot.  I hope the scare didn’t set off a Grenade sending them on a Cherry Fluff binge.  The song “Come and Go With Me” was playing by the Del Vikings, a fitting theme song for this Wingmate duo.  Although most of the wind beneath my Wingmate’s wings is caused by her love affair with beans, those wings are now proudly being motivated to stay on Target by her first-born bird (the Fat Ass a.k.a. Maverick).

My Wingmate's actual wings on the back of her new Bob Mackie jacket - a value of the day on QVC


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