College Football – This Weight Watchers’ Nemisis


The white-haired Judds are now on week 8 of the Weight Watchers program.  I am proud to report that my mother and I have lost a combined total of 27 pounds.  We’ve done a stellar job of keeping the points spread low, attending practice and following rigorous training techniques.  That is until college football season came upon us.

This week I dreaded going to our meeting, a.k.a. “the big game.”  As usual, my mother picked me up in the Lincoln.  “Boom, Boom, Boomerang” by the DeCastro Sisters was blaring on 50’s on 5.  Not a good omen for someone who was about to be weighed after being on a Spicy Chicago Beef binge for a week.  Did I also mention consumption of bushels of homemade spicy snack mix?  All the result of college game day celebrations. 

College football season is a euphoric time for our family.  We have a tradition of preparing hearty, manly type meals on football Saturdays that we enjoy sharing with friends and family.  For me, the games aren’t the most exciting part of the day, it’s the food.  Somehow the experience of sitting down to watch my Boilers with a celery stick and a piece of Melba toast doesn’t quite compare to throwing back a homemade Sloppy Joe, Buffalo Chicken dip and half a dozen Rolling Rocks.  (OMG, I just got a visual of a female John Candy sitting in a barcalounger.)  So after two weekends of college football celebrations, I was more than a little hesitant to jump on the scales.

Luckily, seasoned professionals such as my mother and myself, have the following play in place to almost magically erase those unwanted pounds just prior to weigh-in after a week of slacking off the plan.  For starters, removing all jewelry is a must.  For someone whose nickname is Gem (my mom), removing jewels is of the utmost importance to shedding a few ounces.  We also wear the same clothes every week, a.k.a. “the uniform.”  Wearing a uniform not only gives us an advantage for weekly weigh-ins, it also gives us a sense of accomplishment when the clothes start to loosen.  I may freeze my ass off in the dead of winter wearing my beloved madras shorts but, isn’t that the point?  If all goes well, I may have to resort to the Jethro Bodine method of tieing a rope around the waist of my shorts to keep my pants up.  Sounds like a good problem to have.

A super light dinner is a must for the evening before, as is the “liquid” breakfast the day of weigh-in.  Gin doesn’t count.  An extra bicycle ride or walk is also required.  Finally, remove all jackets, sunglasses, purses and keys – a must for even the most novice player.  Say a little prayer to the Weight Watcher gods and you’re ready to step on the scales.

I was prepared for the worst when Coach called me onto the field.  After executing the aforementioned play, I shamefully stepped on the scales.  Coach looked at the screen then looked me in the eyes and said, “You stayed the same.”   The Hail Mary play worked!  It was a game day miracle!  We stayed for the much-needed pep talk in preparation for our opponent next week – and, it’s a tough one.  I’m attending a college football game in Wisconsin, the land of meat and cheese.  The group offered a blessing to help prevent me from going on a braut and cheese curd bender on game day. 

The Most Valuable Player of the game this week was my mom.  Congratulations to my mother for earning her big 5% star.  She also wants everyone to know that her knee doctor said her artificial knees and hip are going to last another 80 to 90 years, which means those damn joints will outlive all of us.  She celebrated at Gray Brothers Cafeteria with some homemade meatloaf and chocolate cream pie.  A prize that this MVP would choose any day over going to Disney World.  And yes, she counted her points.

In an attempt to adhere to the points spread while in cheese country, Grandma Tootie suggested that I add more beans into my tailgating menu.  Perhaps this was her secret to winning the big prize this week.  She is a true professional in the legume category as indicated by the three varieties of anti-gas medication she had in her purse.  I guess they make one for each variety of bean.  Sounds like a good way to blow-out the season, so to speak.  And, as a money-saving bonus, I don’t think we’ll need to stop for gas on the way home.

Rejuvenated and motivated for next week’s game, we headed to the Lincoln for the journey home.  As we got into the car, I accidentally slammed my foot in the door.  My mother told me to go back in and get re-weighed if my foot fell off.  Losing a foot has to be good for subtracting at least a couple of ounces.  According to my mother, “that horse foot” of mine is good for at least a 5 pound loss.  As it turned out, my foot remained attached and there was no sudden death weigh-in needed. 

Joe Jones serenaded us home in the Lincoln with “You Talk Too Much,” which may also be a good theme song for this blog.  Next week:  less talk, more pounds lost.

P.S.  Congrats to the real Winona Judd who has recently lost 60 pounds!  She rocks.

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