Banned From Von Maur: A Story For The Ladies


I may be officially banned from Von Maur department store after two recent incidents. It started last Thursday with a Spanx incident involving a fellow shopper resembling “Ma Kettle” with a Pete Rose haircut. Together, we made our virgin voyage into the vast sea of Spanx. I was in conversation with the sales clerk as Ma was lerking silently beside the racks. One thing lead to another and Ma joined in taking the lead on the 101 from the sales clerk. She asked interesting questions involving durability and coverage, much to my relief. I still have nightmares from visiting the lingerie department as a teen with my mother yelling from across the store in that Mrs. Poole voice, “This one will cover your nipples. Let’s get you measured.”

After our lesson, we each picked a power garment and headed for the dressing rooms. Grace was in the room with me giving a rather loud play by play of the action. She is learning the “at” words in school now, “cat”, “hat”, “mat” and you guessed it, the “f” word, “fat”. This was nothing in comparison to Ma a few doors down summoning the sales clerk, “Could ya get in here. I don’t care if ya see me, is this thing on right?” After a rather long pause, the clerk timidly said, “Maybe if you give it a tuck.” “Aw, like this?” Immediately, the image of a rather large mushroom popped into my head and it hasn’t cleared for days. As for me, I chose to exercise more and forgoe the oversized Ace bandage for now. I hope Ma is happy with her purchase.

The second incident occurred yesterday when I thought I had ants in my pants from the dressing room floor. I informed the sales clerk of the pest problem as I made my purchase. As I drove off, my right leg started itching. I thought it was probably psychosomatic but it wouldn’t hurt to check out the situation. I went back into another dressing room a few doors down to do the inspection. The good news, no ants. The bad news, there is a Von Maur security guard behind a two way mirror that needs a cornea transplant after witnessing Ma in her Power Panties and the ants in my pants inspection.

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