“W” – The Other Scarlet Letter

“Ah, but let her cover the mark as she will, the pang of it will be always in her heart – and on her ass.” Adapted from Nathaniel Hawthorne’s classic novel, The Scarlet Letter

Fat bottomed girls may make the rock in’ world go round, but they sure have a hell of a time finding an attractive pair of jeans that fit.

Muffin Top.  Camel Toe.  Lumpy Ass.  Too Long.  High Water.  Can’t Breathe.  Thunder Thighs.

It’s not a modern-day version of the seven dwarfs.  They are the seven phases of trying on jeans.  Shopping for jeans has earned a place on the dreaded-things-to-do list along with trying on bathing suits.

The skinny jean trend is only adding to the frustration. So as a fat bottomed girl, I have limited options if I want to wear skinny jeans.  I can either shove my muffin top into my bra and change my name to Linda Vaughn or shop in the only department with a letter more controversial than the “A” on Hester Prynne’s chest – the Women’s Department.

Yes, the always-hushed department for bigger ladies found deep in the bowels of major department stores, usually in a corner next to the restroom.  For some reason, there is a stigma attached to shopping in the Women’s section.  It’s actually an under used resource.  Instead of going up in size, the “W” simply allows for more expansion space where you need it.

The Women’s Department is always poorly marked.   For example, unknown to me, Macy’s recently did a total department reset. I almost walked out of the store with a pair of husky-sized Wrangler jeans with an Angry Bird on the ass before I figured out I was in the Tween Boy department.

To add to the confusion, Macy’s has even changed the name of the “Misses” department to “Ladies”.  Let me tell you, I still consider myself a lady even though I may need a little more material on occasion to cover my polite behind.  Like now, after a holiday cheese ball binge.

Designers also need to get on the bandwagon for us “Women”. No one wants to be chubby. Most of us put a lot of thought and effort in trying not to be. In the meantime, we still need and want something cute to wear that doesn’t have elastic around the waist or resembles a smock.  I’m secretly hoping Jessica Simpson won’t be able to loose her baby weight and will become the new voice for “W” clothes over her current line of Junior-sized whimsical fashions.

I heard a piece of weight loss advice while randomly switching radio stations on the way home from the mall.

“Instead of using chocolate to ease your stress, just think of Jesus. I know it sounds cheesy but it works for me.”Cheese.  Did someone say cheese? Now all I could think about was a Cheesus - a Cheeto that looks like Jesus. The divine willpower that collector must have had.  Who can refuse an extra crunchy Cheeto?

My skinny jean curiosity peaked after a girls night out.  I was the only mom rocking a pair of Kohl’s “W” jeans.  The rest of the group was drapped in Lucky Brand denim.  I swear they were walking in slow motion with their Sweet N Low covered asses swinging in synchronicity.  So off to Lucky Brands I went to buy me some Sweet N Low skinny jeans.  Sweet Cheesus!  I couldn’t even cram one of my legs into a pair.  Then I went to the grocery and bought the other kind of Sweet N Low.

I am Woman, hear me roar as I squeeze into skinny jeans no more – thanks to the “W”.