How About Some Tidy Bowl Relief


We live in a beautiful ranch style house, circa 1989, nestled in a quiet, all-american suburban neighborhood.    As with most houses from this era, ours could use some major updating.

Lucky for us, the current White House administration has incentivized all Americans to purchase more efficient appliances, water heaters and cooling/heating systems.  There are also tax breaks for replacing doors and windows with better insulation.

So when my husband was inspired to start a home improvement project last winter, my head was spinning with all the possibilities –counter tops, new cabinets, a refurbished shower…

Only to have the winner be…drum roll please – a new toilet.

Not a sexy choice but a practical one considering our small budget.  After all, the toilet we were replacing actually gurgled and had developed teeth from all the lime build up over the last 20 years. 

So my husband made the voyage to Lowe’s and came home with his idea of the ultimate toilet.  This porcelin Goddess was sleek and extra tall featuring a bowl with about a 3 foot circumference.  It’s also water efficient, which means, “kind to the environment”. 

After 11 years of marriage, I have come to realize that men and women have very different expectations of the whole “bathroom” experience.  Over the years, I have been lectured about the benefits of the “courtesy flush” and importance of precise timing to avoid a clogged toilet mishap.  I didn’t know such detailed strategy even existed. 

My husband would not exactly label himself “handy” so he was quite proud to have successfully installed the new, bright, shiny porcelain beauty in our half bath.  Life was great until we all christened the new addition.

This thing requires daily, multiple cleanings.  The other day my husband says , “Hey, Carol – (Author’s note:  I got a bad haircut and my daughter said I looked like Carol Brady) Turd Burglar – if you are going to use the half bath as your “Primary“, you need to keep it clean.”  “Primary!?”  Again, that secret men’s bathroom strategy rearing its ugly head. 

I would like the term, “environmentally friendly” explained further.  The high trajectory and half-cup of water  in the bottom of the bowl doesn’t exactly scream “clean” after each use.  I’d like to know what’s worse for the environment, the barrage of chemicals I’m using to clean the thing or simply allowing the bowl to use more water to naturally keep it clean.

I could use my own personal Tidy Bowl Man dressed in an Ascot, swimming around in his row boat gladly keeping the bowl clean.  Now that’s what I call environmentally friendly.  That is, until he complains that the waters are too choppy on the “Primary” and I pull a Carol Burnett and “double flush” him down the toilet.

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